Ah, it was a beautiful day for the annual Bi-weekly Sugar Pine Seven sleepover hosted at Parker’s house. I was excited too. Well, I was. We’ve held eight successful sleepovers and Parker hasn’t been a part of any of them. So why now? I had to know. The good news about Parker being there is that our band was together for the first time in a week and with the live show coming up we finally were able to practice again. I could tell James was uncomfortable being in the presence of greatness which is why he changed the subject to get our minds off of music. Surprise, surprise. Parker wouldn’t know the first thing about sexual safety being that he’s never actually had sex. It was finally time for the game that gets everybody laid and that game is Spin the Bottle. The truth was that I had to see Cib summon Bloody Nose for myself so we went to the other room to do the summoning ritual and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. Bloody Nose was essentially just a drug-induced fever dream so we headed back to the other room to continue playing Spin the Bottle. None of us really knew how to play Spin the Bottle. I ended up googling it and what I found may shock you. Honestly, we were just trying to play games to stop James from drinking. Stopping James from drinking wasn’t about him fighting anybody. It wasn’t about him getting violent. It wasn’t even about the negative health repercussions. No. The reason we wanted James not to drink is because when James gets drunk he starts to have real conversations with people. All we hoped was that James would sober up before Cib’s girlfriend arrived. Look, I’m just as surprised as you. I didn’t think it was going to happen. I didn’t think it could happen, but Cib has a girlfriend. Cib has a history of dating women who are, I guess, fixer uppers? Whether it be drug addicts, kleptomaniacs, Scientologists Mostly anybody that’s down on their luck. Cib puts time in to rearrange their lives and once they’re better, he leaves them. He says it’s because his project is done, but really it’s because he doesn’t feel like he deserves them because unlike the people Cib dates, Cib thinks he’ll never be fixed. Okay, I had to say it. It turns out this was a Tinder date. Cib had brought his Tinder date to a boys only sleepover. If you’ve ever witnessed a tornado destroy a home, you’ll understand this. Imagine Cib’s brain in two parts. One is the good side. It’s able to successfully land a Tinder date. That’s the home. Now imagine another side where his version of a date is to bring her to a boys only sleepover and feed her chips, peanut butter, and Nyquil. That’s the tornado. How is anybody down for this? What?! It was a match made in heaven, my God! I’ll be honest, this was super gross to me. I was just glad that Cib found another disaster. My only worry was that if it was too good, Cib would drop it. Parker is the kind of guy that saves his virginity for a girl he’s never talked to. It sure didn’t feel like the wind. It was so sudden. It almost made me believe in the Bloody Nose fairy tale. Almost. If everybody was upstairs and James doesn’t flush, then who flushed the toilet? We couldn’t figure out who flushed the toilet, so we went back upstairs out of the darkness only to discover somebody had eaten Cib’s date food. For some reason Cib’s first line of defense is always to accuse me. Who knew that Parker could experience both his best dream and his worst nightmare all while being awake? Parker thought his best chance of winning over Cib’s Tinder date was to be Cib. I couldn’t believe it. Right outside the window was the demon Cib and I summoned. Bloody Nose. And just like that, Parker’s greatest hope became his only vice. The headband he stole from Cib entangled itself on the doorknob. We made it upstairs to find Cib sprawled out on the floor. We were getting nowhere, and Bloody Nose was right around the corner. I could feel it. Thankfully, Cib’s girlfriend, Sami Jo, if that is her real name, broke through the madness with a real solution. So, we left the room. Thankfully, I still had cameras set up from when I was spying on Parker and what we discovered changes everything. After waiting five minutes, we heard noises from the kitchen and we knew we were only ten feet from Bloody Nose. Well, how about that? It wasn’t Bloody Nose! It was famous actor James Allen McCune. Yeah, I felt a little silly believing in Bloody Nose, but you would’ve too if you were there. But that’s when I found something terrible. Behind famous actor James Allen McCune was Bloody Nose’s mask. I reviewed the tapes. The spy cameras I left in Parker’s house showed Bloody Nose entering the room and then that’s when the mask fell off. I switched to the oven camera just to be sure and it was in fact famous actor James Allen McCune. Homeless. Shmomeless. The point was that everybody was here!